Pat and John on...Beauties and the Beach - What you'll see this summer

It’s summer time which means a lot of things to a lot of people. For some it means barbecues and outdoor fun, for others it means staying in to beat the heat, hating every drop of sweat that comes down from their head and for the lucky kids of school age it means a few months of freedom. Join us as we breakdown the the wonderful time know as summer, and the people who come out during this time.



BEACH BUMS





The beach is probably the number one destination to beat the heat every summer. That is unless you live in a landlocked state like John grew up in (Arizona). In that case you’re going somewhere on vacation, likely to a beach or a lake. Vacations are a topic for another blog...

Anyway, the beach is awesome, for a couple hours at least, but then it gets kind of played. Agree or disagree about the awesomeness of the beach, what IS undeniable is that the best thing about the beach (as is the case anywhere with more than ten people) is People Watching. Here’s who you’ll inevitably see on the sand...

The Tanner



Usually a chick, but as we’ve learned from the boys of Jersey shore, its not a gender exclusive activity. (Side note: They spent 2 summers at the Jersey shore and 1 in Miami, how many days did they go to the beach? 3 total? The truth is, people that love tanning stay far away from nature’s tanning bed).





The Tanner has a mission, get as dark as humanly possible. Unless, that is mom and dad gave you your tan... a line that was once uttered to my dad when he asked a waitress at Dave and Buster’s how she stayed so tan in the winter (smacks forehead).



Anyway, Tanners get to the beach early with the goal of having their skin run through at least 3 nationalities that day. They are the antithesis of “Pale Man” and sunscreen is their enemy.

olds) a chubby by untying the bikini strap when they’re on their stomach. God forbid there’s a line of white across that black back. Then again what do I care? I’ve got a free show at some squished side-boob.



Girls hating other girls





AKA the hot chick that’s wearing the thong. Or the girl that’s rocking a bathing suit that looks crazy good. Or the girl that’s slightly more tan. Or the girl that’s got a wiggle to her walk. Or the girl that kind of glanced your way. Or the girl that’s got the nicer sunglasses. Or the girl that’s drawing more attention to herself. Or the girl that’s impressing the boys with her volleyball skills. or basically any other girl on the beach. Bottom line is, your girlfriend hates all the chicks. Because as soon as the bathing suit is put on, the competition is ON like King Kong.





And men: we think we’re sly, but we’re not. Your girl knows that the reason you put on your sunglasses is so you could stare at other skanks walking by while you pretend to read. And if she doesn’t know that, then she’s dumb, and you should get a new GF who’s grounded in reality. You see a girl that’s a 10, with about that percentage of her body covered and it’s like you don’t even have a choice but look. Your girlfriend will throw out the, “wow is she really wearing that? ugh she’s so fake looking,” line. A real veteran boyfriend will beat the GF to the punch though by saying, oh man, check out that skank. Christ, what a slut. I’m so glad you don’t look like that.

To find out the rest of the people you'll see this summer, visit Pat and John on...

"Pat and John on..." What Gets a song Played?

I was in a club the other day, not drunk enough to start dancing I paid close attention to the music videos that were playing and the music in general. I started noticing patterns in the songs, there were some that told people what to do, some that talked about the night and some that singled out people. Just about all of the songs started fitting into different categories in my head, these categories didn't make the songs hits, but they definitely helped get them played. Which lead me to think, what do you put in a song if you want it to get some airtime? Sounds like a job for Pat and John. Jobs not for Pat and John include: Indoor plumbing, car repair, and parenting (at least not that we know of).



City

Creating a song about a city is like being a beat writer for the local little league. Someone from the neighboring town wont care about it, but the people in your geography will be bumping your work in their scrapbook/iTunes for years to come.

You cant leave Fenway after a sox game without hearing “awwwwww Boston you’re my home” or Yankee stadium without “New York, Newwwww yorkkkkkkkk”, although its not fool proof in that, I’m sure that in Iraq they don’t play Bombs over Bagdad at the end of every donkey fight.



Who has taken a trip to Miami after 1998 without hearing “welcome to Miami bienvenido a Miami” playing through their head? And even after we know that the Mommas and the Poppas singer John Phillips was boning his daughter we’re still “California Dreaming” when we think of the Golden State. In fact California alone has a litany of songs. The Flaming Lips made California maybe the most addicting chorus of all time using just the state’s name. It also was the theme song unfortunately to the OC.



Thanks to 2pac I know “California knows how to party.” Snoop Dogg taught me that LBC is the cool way to say Long Beach, and just about any west coast rapper has informed me through the art of rhyme that south central LA and Compton are probably places I don’t want to be dippin’ through any time soon.



Rappers love talking about their hometown. Who needs to look up a rapper on google to see where they’re from? You just need to listen to 1 out of 5 songs. Jay Z, we know he’s reppin BK, as did Biggie. Dr. Dre hails from Compton but sticks out for other hoods. Hell even Nelly was proud to be from St. Louis.



Bottom line, Just about every place has a song. And if it didn’t have a song, Johnny Cash took care of that.

Check out the other ways to get a song some airplay HERE.

And visit Pat and John On every Monday for a new blog!

Pat and John on...Smart Phones

Phones started out as a glorified pager, but unlike beepers, had the ability to call (for about $4 per minute) right at the scene instead of having to respond to a “911” alert on your beeper, and run to a payphone (remember those things?). But that’s all changed. They have gone from something you have in case of an emergency, to being so important that it’s actually an emergency if you don’t have it on you. They’ve replaced the wallet in terms of importance because you likely have as much financial information accessible on your phone as you do in your bi-fold.

That’s why going somewhere without your phone might as well be the same as going out with no clothes on. You’re stripped of technology. Even if you haven’t used your phone in several hours, the fact that you KNOW you don’t have that thing on you is going to drive you nuts. “But how am I going to look up what other movies Steve Buschemi has been in, whilst I walk to get lunch?” You’re not, and you’re lunch routine is ruined.

If we can compare phones to evolution (personally I believe God dropped smartphones from the heavens) the classic Nokia 3390--better known as ‘the brick’--is the equivalent of that first fish that grew legs and walked on land. The Zack Morris special was definitely the thing that we trace all modern phones to; the phone version of amoebas. But the 3390 was the first one to make cell phones accessible for everyone. And the amazing thing is, you can whack your simcard into that badboy right now, and it’s making a crystal clear call, til the battery craps out 20 minutes in. The phone was indestructible. I once fully submerged my 3390 in water after jumping straight into a pool. A 15-minute hair dryer session later and that thing was back in full use.

For the rest of the story click here

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"Pat and John On..." Facebook

Back in freshman year of college someone told me about some website called the facebook where you put some info in about yourself and can officially become “friends” with your friends. It was a less creepy myspace since it only allowed college students (another slap in the face to your dumb ass friends who couldn't even get into Community College--but also, it showed you were officially better and smarter than your friends that were at vocational school. I'm looking at you, University of Phoenix). Since then, it’s dropped the “the” and facebook has taken over. It’s replaced photo albums, birthday cards, AIM, “e-vites”, being social, liking things, real life stalking, and for that matter, real life talking too. Walls used to be things you put up to separate rooms from one another. Now you post on them. Facebook has become our one stop shop to keep tabs on anyone and everyone, it has killed the need to ever have a high school reunion again because you already know what everyone is doing, who got knocked up and who doubled in size since you left school. Facebook is a daily high school reunion, and while you’re stalking your way around it’s pages you are sure to run into these people:

Ex Girl/boyfriends
Random hot skanks that your friends are friends with
“Come See My Show,” guy
The Comment/Like Fiend
The Bragger
The Uber Post-er

For our thoughts on these people, and more Click Here

Check out "Pat and John On..." for a new post every Monday.